The 15 Minute Joy of Missing Out Reset

If the group chats, calendar invites, and constant notifications have you fantasizing about disappearing for… just a minute, you’re not alone. Apparently, we’re all so overstimulated that many people would literally choose a mild electric shock over sitting quietly with their own thoughts. (Yes, really. Science confirmed it.)

That’s exactly what Robert J. Coplan, PhD wants to reframe. A psychologist, researcher, and chancellor’s professor who has spent over thirty years studying the science of solitude, Dr. Coplan is on a mission to help us rethink the power of being alone. His new book, The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World, explores why a few quiet minutes might be one of the most restorative tools we have. 

So what does fifteen minutes of intentional alone time actually do for your mental health? And how can we make solitude feel like a reward instead of something to avoid? Here, Dr. Coplan shares his perspective.

The 15-Minute Solitude Mental Health Reset

A lot of people just don’t like spending time alone. How much so? In a series of studies, psychology researchers instructed college students to sit ‘alone with their thoughts’ in a small room with the door closed for fifteen minutes. In one variation of this experiment, students were also given the option of pressing a button in the room to receive a painful electric shock. Amazingly, the majority of students found this experience of solitude so boring and aversive that they chose instead to fill the time by self-administering painful electric shocks! 

But here’s the problem. Although many people dislike solitude, there is growing evidence to suggest that spending time alone actually promotes many benefits for our mental health and well-being. These include a respite from social stress, the chance to restore and recharge, a soothing balm to take the edge off intense emotions, the opportunity for reflection and self-discovery, and a kickstart to problem-solving and creativity.

 Fortunately, there appear to be some easy ways to help get these benefits of solitude. First, it turns out that the simple instruction to “think happy thoughts” during 15-minutes of sitting alone leads to a more positive experience and better mood afterwards. Similar results are found if people read a short paragraph on the benefits of solitude ahead of time (as you just did – so you are ready to go!). The idea here is to flip the switch on how we view solitude. It is often construed as a punishment, such as a time-out for unruly toddlers or solitary confinement for incarcerated offenders. Instead, try to reframe solitude as a reward – the gift of me time. 

Sitting alone with your thoughts is also not the only way to reap benefits from solitude. Instead, what matters most is not what we do per se, but that we find our chosen solitary activity meaningful, engaging, and enjoyable. So, go for a walk outside, listen to music, read a book, knit, or whatever works best for you personally. Ideally, consider turning off your phone, or at least silence your alerts so that notifications are not constantly interfering with your alone time. If you solitary activity involves your phone, resist the temptation to scroll social media, text, or video-chat with people (I call this “social-washing” your solitude). Instead of FOMO, give yourself the pleasure of JOMO (Joy of Missing Out).

In the end, we must all find balance between solitude and socializing. People need social connection – but they also need solitude. Keep a diary of your time alone and with others over the course of a week and track your mood. Just like Goldilocks, who wanted porridge that was not too hot, not too cold, but just right for her, we all need our own just right balance of solitude and social connection to optimize our personal well-being. 

Finally, for those that already love and value solitude, don’t be afraid to ask for some alone time when you feel like you need it. We shouldn’t have to lie to our friends and make up an excuse for not going out on a Friday night when what we really want to do is put on fuzzy socks and cozy up with a book on the couch for a few hours. And for those who think pushing a button to get an electric shock is a better option than sitting alone with your thoughts, start small, and gradually build up your solitude muscles over time. You might be surprised at what solitude has to offer.